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If I Knew then What I know now.
I have been writing in my blog on and off for a few years? I have often depicted my ex-husband as someone I didn't like. I admit that during the divorce I felt I was punishing him for all the pain I was going through. At the time I was very hurt, not blaming all on his shortcomings, but blaming myself as well for letting things get so far, for not speaking out earlier and defending my values. I would like to say that my ex-husband was a very generous individual to a point,he always pointed out how I had won the lottery by marrying him. He was an insecure man, and money was his security, his power. I did not become who I was because of him, but because of the choices I had made to play out the act and stay in the marriage. I was secure, I was taken care of, I had a nice car, a nice house, my daughters needs for school her education were taken care of, as well. I was young and naive, I needed to know how to be on my own, I guess, that's why things deteriorated. Now, I am wondering, after all my experiences, all the people I have met, (that otherwise, I would have never met,if I had stayed married), all the relationship lessons I have learned, would my marriage have worked? I don't know, since no one can stop time, or turn it back. One thing I know, I am different now, more informed, more me, more empowered. As a life coach, I help women move forward and understand that anger and their ego will just get in the way of things.
Quiet suffering and more
During my marriage to Mr. X, an attorney, I was literally afraid to say how I felt about everything going around me. When I first became interested in him, it was this sexual attraction, you know, that tingling feeling one feels, way south. I mistook intimacy for sex. How many of us do that, especially when we are young and inexperienced. I recently read "Moving On" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, I picked it up at the library, while just browsing. I love discovering new books to read, to inform me and learn something from them. It's an aha moment when you find a good book. Nevertheless, there is a quote in it that will re quote now by Carol Mathhau "I don't think marriages break up because of what you do to each other. They breakup because of what you must become in order to stay in them."
Well, what I like to point out it is just that, that during my marriage I tried to tell Mr. X, that I was tired of playing out someone I really was not...and in my attempts, the wrong words came out, " I don't want to be a second class citizen any more." He, of course read as I don't like you anymore...and then decided he was going out and make sure that he was still a "man" and started an affair with one of the office secretaries. It got to the point where I thought I did the right thing to save myself; and through the experience of the divorce, I learned a lot about myself, I learned to be independent again. I was scared, to face up to him and the lawyers and the judge in the court, but in the end it was ok.
Today, I am my own person and have regained my identity. My newsletter for August deals with identity transition that one goes through during and after divorce.
Tough Economic Times
Well, we are all in an economic slump, including yours truly. My newsletter which is going out sometime soon deals with Plan B. What plan B you ask? It is that plan that you are supposed to have, when Plan A doesn't work out. When we get married or make any type of relationship commitment we blissfully believe that it will always be forever. Well, I thought so, and we all except for some very wealthy people never sign a pre-nuptial agreement or any financial agreement of sorts. When your Plan A ends specifically through divorce, we rarely have a Plan B, that is a financial plan to keep us above water and out of the soup kitchen. During my marriage I was very confortable, everything was taken care of; my bills, my daughter's education; my trips; my shopping, my food, my house mortgage etc. One for the first things that a husband does is cut off everything, credit cards, priviliges that once you are no longer the wife of choice are ended. The kind guilty husband will provide a monthly stipend so that you are not altogether in the streets, and then the long ardous divorce proceedings. The more money involved the more complicated the ordeal. Although I have been divorced for a few years now, I draw people through my coaching business who are going through the same exact experience. It is so similar it's scary. I am planning to put together a group coaching session to specifically help women and men alike plan for the financial divorce. I have Lucy Tamajon from Mass Mutual, to talk about and give advice in finance and insurance programs that are availble. Please give me a call at 305-270-7238 and tell me what problems you are having and we can consider topics for these sessions. Let me know. Let's work on Plan B.
The Possibilities
Well, in my everending quest for perfection in my life, I discover that it is truly difficult to make things go your way. Not really, we strive constantly to make our expectations seem real. What do I mean by that? Well, think about it for a minute. We rationalize ourselves to death sometimes, when it is easier to let go of our ego. Ego related matters are always a disater, we want to be right and we are always right. I now practice silence, good listening and attention. My coach training courses have helped. Have every been involved in a conversation and the other person is speaking and you have already formed some kind of answer to what that person is talking about...come on you know about this. I know very well, I do it. I stop listening and I start thinking about what I am going to say next. Sometimes I am so involved with it, that I don't even remember what the other person is talking about. Anxiety works the same way, we worry and worry about what's going to happen in the future, and don't face the reality of now or even enjoy it. The future is ahead of us, who knows what will happen in the interim that will completely change our lives, so worrying about it is really useless. We must concentrate on what we have right now, all the good things that surrounds us. A beautiful day, you are healthy and alive, able to leap tall buildings, etc. In a nutshell, I want you to love today and not worry about tomorrow, beacause today is what you have to worry about....how are you going to make this day better than any other day in your life. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Listen intently and then talk, if necessary. You will discover a whole new world.
New Year: Fresh Start
Every New Year brings a new start. We make New Year resolutions and we try for a few weeks to honor these resolutions. I haven't made any new years resolutions in about four or five years. Wow, you may ask why. Well each entering year has been a year of discoveries for me, so there has not been a need to make any resolutions, perhaps, maybe that I learn something new about myself and about the people I love. The year 2007 was one of those years. 2007 was a year of great discoveries, I am much happier and looking for more spiritual living. I have healed from all my prior mistakes and I have finally accepted myself for who I am, and understand what matters to me and I have felt a spiritual awakening. I am now in the pursuit of happiness by being a more compassionate, understanding and forgiving person. I am less angry, I complain less and focusing in advancing my business. Through coaching I have discovered new friends and new ways of touching peoples lives. I hope in 2008 I can continue to help others reach their potential, let them know that there is hope and a way of sharing with others all the good that there is in each and everyone of us. That dark and sad times are only an illusion, and that one can see the light at the end of the tunnel, really! I hope everyone had a great holiday and I wish everyone a wonderful New Year. Reach for the stars, because they are closer than you think.
Time sure does fly....
It is again that time of the year (the end of another year) where I start thinking about the time and how it passes while we try to live our lives; to make a living; to travel; to have fun; and to enjoy the company of our friends and family. Lately, I haven't been doing all of the above. I have read dozens of articles and books about how we can make our time our schedules better work for us. Well I haven't been able to do so. Time management is, as I have learned, one of the most important things that we have to deal with in our daily lives. So I have purchased a calender a large calender, wherein I can write all of the things I have planned for; doctor appointments, business appointments, appointments with my friends and family. I wonder sometimes, why did I get myself into small business ownership? I have been keeping 4 people from unemployment, I am contributing to the beautification of people's homes; I have been helping my partner become more efficient in his work; and I have contributed a large amount of my savings to this cause. Now, what am I getting out of it? Personal accomplishment? A salary? Well so far my personal accomplishment has been the continued success of the business. The salary, I have yet to see... an actual check that is totally mine and it is a profit for me. So, you wonder, what keeps me going? The only thought I have is that it will happen, for sure it will. I have come a long way from that scared, crying person that was me back in 2000. I have become a self-sufficient, entrepreneur, able to leap tall buildings, etc. etc. I sometimes wonder, where it will take me, and how wonderful life really is. So as time goes on, much too fast for me, do I slow down a bit and smell the flowers, or do I enjoy just being and enjoying it while I can? That will be the topic of my next blog. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.
Writer's block
It has been a while since I wrote in my blog. It seems that for a while I decided to stay silent only because I felt I could not contribute anything to my fellow readers. I have been busy. Time management lately has gotten the best of me. I have been thoroughly challenged and keep enjoying this new endeavor more and more. Tablas, Inc. has been difficult at time (Tablas, Inc. is my company) it is a cabinet and custom furniture manufacturing company). We have survived a year. Now I need to survive another one to acquire some kind of proof that we are for real. I have continued my coaching, as well. Somehow, the everyday challenges of the company have given me food for thought and ability to help my coaching clients in a better much more informed way. Life lessons, I guess. My present relationship with my business partner and lover is great. I am happy with my life as it is. The secret is to keep hope alive, to attract love and friendship, to thing positively even when thoughts get clouded by adversity. Trust your intuition, go with it and great things will happen.
The newest adventure
A Few days ago, I went to an astrologer here in Miami, with my daughter. My daughter and I have always been "into" the astrology and reading palms...it facinates us both. I need to make a decision about moving to the Dominican Republic, to Samana to be exact. I have plans of buying a piece of paradise there near the beach. I have dream of sorts...that I want to be there for the rest of my life. My plans are to downsize in my lifestyle and spend less money, enjoy life more. So, to make long story short...my visit to the astrologer was to confirm my thoughts of moving to the DR, alleviating any doubts of sorts that I have had. Being a Libra (we tend to weigh and reweigh matters of important decisions and procrastinate a lot). Well, I have decided that this will be a good move in my life. I will try to continue all my connections with people in the "mainland", as well as, continue to coach people. I intend to begin writing a lot more...recording my life in this new world and see what happens. Who new 7 years ago, that I would accomplish as much as I have and be here right now, writing in this blog. Today I remember those gray and bleak days, when I thought about my sanity and my financial world would collapse. I stand (or rather I sit here) and say to you that anything is possible, out of that insecurity and fear a new day and age has come to me and I am thrilled to be able to tell you that.
Hello everyone: I am presently working on my next adventure...I have always had a dream of living on a Caribbean island near the beach. Well, I am now pursuing that dream. I have purchased a piece of paradise, and going to build my little cottage there, a few steps from the beach. I am now 50 something years old and living the "vida loca"(crazy life). Continuing my entrepreneurship skills with a company and doing my life coaching. You can do anything you want to do! Set your mind to do it and "poof" your there. I try to keep negative thoughts out of my mind , such as I can't do this, it won't happen etc. I found it a bit difficult at first, since the "fear factor" always loomed overhead. I now believe that if you don't try it you won't know how it will turn out. You will think about it and, if you don't act, it will not happen. So, here I am pursuing yet another one of my dreams. Life after divorce is not bad at all, really. It is the most painful ordeal I have ever gone through and now after 7 years, yes, 7 years, I must say, I have learned many things. I have traveled, I have loved and I have made many new friends. I know myself much better and I am pretty happy with myself. I would like to share that with other women out there who think it's not possible, and tell them yes it can be done.
Men differ from Women
Yes, men differ from women. I read plenty of literature about that, (Men are from Mars and women from Venus) something like that. I still have trouble communicating with them, although I am more patient now than I just to be. I guess that comes from experience and age. I have learned that men like their place, by that I mean, they like to talk about their past achievements in business and almost a show of strength and superiority....no I didn't mean superiority...but that just the way men are. We as women tend to consider this as a way of showing off their colored feathers... accept it...let him be himself. Men are men, they make caustic remarks. They consider to be funny, and we women tend to interpret make jokes as an expression of real feelings, or even desire to hurt and offend. He simply wants to show you he is witty. I have a male dog and female dog, and when I go to walk them, Lola my female dog urinates and Lucas my small male maltese, waits and makes sure he urinates in the exact same place she does...it's a very interesing sight to see (male dominance). So it is with men and their space, men always need more space, than women do. To women it's rather irritating and dictatorial. It is his way of showing his force this way.
All in all try to compliment your man, don't criticize so much, compliment for his accomplishments and the nice things he does. Even when he says bring me beer instead of Honey please bring me some beer. Men will be men, it is really hard to change the male nature, so let it be don't fight it.
Here are some pointers:
When a woman has a problem men tend to ask what the problem is and continue to resolve the
problem, when really women just want him to listen.
Men are hunters, which explains their narrow range of vision.
Women's brains are able to explore of discover a wider range of information
Men have a firm sense of direction-they need to trace the game, catch it, and find the way home.
Wome have a better peripheral vision that helps them to see what's happening around the house, to spot an approaching danger, to notice changes in the children's bheavior and appearance.
So as woman, think about this have patience and let your man be.
Hi everyone....This is now 2007 it's been 7 years since my divorce. I am still single, but with someone. I was with a younger man just three years ago and now I am living with a man closer to my age. I ponder sometimes about the question of "true love". Does it exist? I ask myself that question sometimes. Our idea of love grows out of mostly fairy tales. You know finding prince charming, Mr. Right, and happily every after.... Movies (I love love stories) often perpetuate this storybook image of love. We strive to find our soul mate ( I believe that there must be several soulmates around for me). I found that pursuing ideal love has left me feeling unfulfilled. The reality is that being and staying in love takes continues work and PATIENCE, that it is not always that romantic storybook kind. I enjoyed my three year affair with my youger man...after our relationship ended, I was very sad, and it was the best love affair in my life. Now I am content, yes content. It is not all the fire and passion, but a nice love, a comfortable relationship that may indure...I hope. I am happy, because finally I feel at peace. I am doing a lot of things and I am doing well with them. When you can't hide behind your marriage it forces you to find a life.
Really Listening
Today I would like to talk about listening. I recently finished a course in my coach training classes pertaining to the act of listining (sometimes we act like we are listening, but we are not really listening). Some of us lead such a hectic life, we don't stop to smell the roses. I think we also make the mistake of not listening well either. I discovered that if I listen and keep my mouth shut, my opinions to myself, and listen really listen, I don't forget things, I don't have memory problems. I had a conversation with a friend of mine, regarding here inability to remember certain things. She was blaming it on early menapause, ha!ha!. I said to her, "You know you talk very fast, trying to get all your ideas out and you do very little listening". Most of us do that, I catch myself thinking of what response or advice I am going to give and not listen carefully to what the person is saying, sometimes, I assume they said such and such, and I am completely wrong. Wow! So sit an listen, don't say anything, pause and then confirm what you just heard, you will remember more and you will probably be able to help or give advice to that particular person. Silence between conversations helps a lot. Listen carefully, you will see.
Always trying to succeed
Today is August 15, 2006. It's hard being so confident. What does that mean? Well, after years of total submission to all things except myself, I have created a monster. Assertiveness was a word that I did not have in my vocabulary a few years ago. No Fear....yeah that's me. I have embarked on a very difficult adventure, that of entrepreneur. I feel scared sometimes that I may have made the wrong decisions and that this may be too much of an endeavor to assume and yet the challenge is so tempting. It has become an all consuming effort to succeed, I know I can do this, just focus and continue. I go to networking meetings I talk to people, I feel so good so free and happy. I have not known joy like this in a long time and yet I have no time for myself anymore. What is it, what keeps me going. So, if you are out there and reading this blog today, let me know about your experiences. I have a long way to go, I have to see a lawyer an accountant, a healer (no no just kidding), and gather as much help as possible. So next time, I will tell you how I am doing. I am so amazed of what I have been able to do.
See you soon.
Words of Wisdom
Do not Pursue what is illusory-
Property and Position: All that is gained at the expense of your nerves decade after decade, and is confiscated in one fell night.
Live with a steady superiority over life-
Don't be afraid of Misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness;
It is, after all, the same:
The bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing.
It is engouth if you don't freeze in the cold and if thirst and hunger don't claw at your insides.
If your back isn't broken, if your feet can walk, if both your amrs can bend, if both eyes can see, and if both ears hear, then who should you envy?
Rub your eyes and purify your heart- and prize above all else in the world those who love you and who wish you well.
Do not hurt them or scold them, and never part from any of them in anger.
ALEKSANDER I. SOLZEHNITSYN
Patience is a Virtue: "All good things come to those who wait" I have heard that many times. I consider myself a patient person, I tolerate the slow lane, slow traffic, the loud customer at the supermarket, the constant complainer. How long is patience, how far do we go to get to that special aha part; "worth waiting for part" . I think each one of us has to exercise patience in order to face the difficulties of life, i.e. traffic jams, the slow line at the supermarket, or any situation that you have no control over, where you are going or how fast you are going to get there. The solution is to accept matters as they are, right? An attitude of impatience can only cause more delay, high blood pressure and anxiety. You practice patience by making small goals of slowing down, accepting situations as they are; waiting after all gives you time to think, ponder, slow down your heart, to concentrate and see that it's not really worth destroying yourself over matters you can't control. Exercise patience and live longer.
What will they say after I die.
Today June 15, 2006- I attended the funeral of a gentleman I didn't even know. I went because he was the father of one of our supervisors. As I sat and listened the the eulogies, I became aware that through these speakers, sons and daughters of this individual, I began to know him. He was a gentle soul, a kind man, a good husband and wonderful father, a teacher, a good dancer, experienced some good times and some bad times, a person who lived his life to the fullest. Then I thought to myself, what will they say about me. Did I live life to the fullest?
There were tears in my eyes for a man that I didn't even know. I guess going to a funeral makes us think about our immortality and then, of course, we go back to our old selves and forget to really think about living life to the fullest. To take your shoes off and walk barefoot in the park (Pretty Woman--Richard Gere took off his shoes, etc.), to play with your kids, to love your family...stop and smell the roses. So today, as you read this, think about what people will say about you when you die. Is it going to be something remarkable? Live life today, make a difference! Live life to the fullest, take from it as much as you can.
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Copyright © 2006 My Next Amazing Life,
Inc. All rights reserved.
